No one has died,
but I’m grieving nonetheless.
I opened my list book.
Before I could write a thing – his note was there.
From a time long past.
In his slanted lettering.
A simple reminder.
Of a phone number.
For the health service for our daughter.
The power of the trigger.
Immeasurable against the simplicity of the note.
Two lines only - a name and a number.
It was enough - more than enough,
to have me falling.
Falling, falling, falling.
Into my depths.
It’s not despair as such.
It’s all an unknown.
Unnameable emotions triggering an inquiry.
Arresting all my sensibilities.
I am being vaulted,
dark and deep.
Into a part of that feels completely out of touch.
A part of me that doesn’t feel at all.
I am in the VOID.
The void of all voids.
The inner vortex of confusion.
I cannot navigate this territory.
I’ve never seen this place before.
Let alone travelled here.
What is that over there?!
What’s this flying at my head?!
Whoa! Another hoo-sie-what-sit?!
Where is all this coming from?
WHAT is all this?
Are they feelings?
Do I even comprehend what they are?
Have I encountered them before?
I don’t think so…
These words – they don’t work.
I look in my baby’s eyes and see her light.
She gives me hope – shows me my own light.
Shows me that all that is within her is also within me.
- For she has come from me.
I made her.
I took the ingredients for her,
I communed with her soul over many years,
Then when the time was right,
And I had found her father,
I called her in.
Even in my own unknowing dark,
I am Divine.
There is MORE THERE.
I am not a dark void to be avoided.
I am not broken.
I am not something to be fixed.
I am human,
And humans have human experiences to contemplate.
I come back.
I am a Divine infused human being,
I weave realms, travel dimensions, jump timelines…
I am powerful enough and strong enough to traverse my own dark mystery.
My field has most certainly collapsed,
I must sit with it – a collapsed field is no walk in the park.
An experience all of its own.
Feeding my daughter - trying to be a good mother,
external ‘calm’, inner inferno, one becomes the other.
We are intertwined by our DNA,
our name and our lineage.
from lost and found,
through a sea of timelines.
Thought kicks in:
What if this happened,
or this didn't,
or we made that choice then...
Would we be here now?
Again, the words don’t serve.
They only complicate and confuse.
I enter the void of the dark mystery,
the mystery that swims within me.
Words do not exist here,
Into the dark I slowly disappear.
An internal enquiry,
deeper than any other,
is the only way forward,
for a path to uncover,
the depths of my being, and what lies there.
Pile upon pile upon pile of things discarded,
Along with a graveyard of all ‘dearly departed’.
I roam and I wander until I’m suddenly still,
I can no longer move, fidget or fight it,
I must face it head on, love it or smite it.
The ‘correct’ answer is Love and keep my heart open,
But how is that possible when everything’s frozen?
There is no feeling, emotion or desire,
Only heaving piles to sort through or throw on the pyre!
This is going to take a while.
How much sitting and sorting must I do?
How long do I have to do it?
How can there possibly be more – I’ve done so much healing already?!
I resign myself from ‘pushing through’.
I am a mother and have so much to do!
I’ll sit when I can and process it thoroughly,
But right now I can’t – my daughter needs me.
If that is wrong and I must ‘fail at life’,
Then it goes on The List and must wait its turn.
One day I’ll finish it, delight in what I’ll learn.
But just for now, can I surrender it all,
gift myself love and accept being ‘unfinished’?