The Surrendering

Rejection and shame,
Is that all that’s there for me
When I enter your game?
 
I’ve ridden that carousel for most of my life.
 
Today we were supposed to have done the ‘final’ clears
Yet somehow I’m still here -
in this limbo of a ‘love’ for you
Doing my utmost to surrender,
have faith and trust.
That you’re feeling what I’m feeling.
That your desires match mine.
 
That one day I won’t have to ‘lean back’ anymore.
 
You’ll finally be ‘bearing gifts’ at my door.
 
Nothing feels right – I don’t know what is off.
 
Even though moments ago,
I was again in your embrace.
You and me holding each other,
Sharing energy and space.
 
I believe, again, for a moment, that ‘we’re on the same page’.
 
Then you disconnect from me,
Start to walk away.
Ever so gently,
Running your fingers along my collar bone.
The moment is finished,
Although burnt into my skin.
How is it possible to yearn so much,
For someone who won’t even begin?
Where has all this come from?
 
How I desire for you to ‘be home’.
 
With me.
 
Why isn’t it possible for me to be your ‘safety’?
 
The things I have seen us create,
The connection I have seen we have,
Our expansion in working together,
The potentiality,
The potency,
The partnership and love.
ALL. THE. LOVE.
I have seen multiple times.
The visions, intuition, energetics and the knowing -
Are the only things allowing me to entertain love, surrender, faith and trust.
 
Then you shatter me over and over and over again,
With every mixed signal you provide.
 
And the walls go back up.
The walls I worked so hard to fell.
Just being in your presence,
Again down they fall.
Only to go back up again
The second I am alone.
Plunged into my misery,
The grief and the void.
My nervous system’s reckoning,
The darkness I’m running from.
 
For the umpteenth time you reject me.
And I fall from the high of you,
To the lowest of my lows.
You don’t even know you’re doing it,
To you, ‘just taking it slow’.
Not trying to push too hard –
maybe trying to control the flow.
You just admitted in circle,
what major control freak you are.
‘Hmmm, very interesting’ to me,
How against ‘my control’ you spar.
 
You spruik all the ‘healing’,
All the ‘emotional support’,
You have all the answers,
Nothing gets past you!
 
Insightful you definitely are,
But sometimes it’s not ‘on point’,
You must embrace your allies –
Humility and surrender.
Tonight you told me ‘keep the silence’,
But the woman needed my words,
To push her to her precipice,
Receive her medicine.
It was in those words,
The ones you tried to silence.
She spoke to me afterwards,
And was grateful for my guidance.
The guidance that came from MY soul,
MY gifts and MY integrity,
That which shows up every day for me,
Held me forever,
Without fail.
 
You say I must surrender – be open and receptive.
 
To you.
 
“What will happen when you allow your body to open?”
 
Yet somehow this ‘guidance’ applies only to me, not you?
 
Every day you trigger me,
With things I must work through.
Diligently I work on them,
I’m committed to clearing the glue,
Holding me back from my potential,
actualisation, potency, soul-alignment and
Receiving all that I’m due.
 
Somehow in all this muck,
It is I who has the problem.
From asking for a fuck,
To falling into bedlam.
From the activated feelings,
That I couldn’t foretell.
Your daily presence in my field,
Dreams and desires swirling.
 
You came to my house that day,
To visit with my friend.
Asked me for a hug.
Suddenly there’s your energy,
your vortex,
bombarding my every move.
 
Of having all these feelings,
desires and knowingness,
There is but one ‘solution’ for me in this mess.
 
I have to give it up,
Surrender you up to God,
Stop myself from wanting you,
And playing in this fraud.
 
By the time I get through that,
You will decide the timing’s right.
To tell me now you want me,
You just weren’t sure before.
We both know that’s total bollocks,
Because you already want me now.
You’re just deceiving yourself,
“you’re not ready”,
Favouring control and perceived power.
 
What I can’t comprehend,
Is you already want me now,
But aren’t willing to go there with me,
Despite your myriad other lovers.
So many other connections you have,
Yet I am deemed ‘unworthy’.
 
Why not me?
What’s wrong with me?
 
If I hadn’t asked you about a male sexual healer,
We wouldn’t even be here.
 
From that first day,
we both felt something there.
We fucking had to pace ourselves,
To stop the overshare.
When we’re 1 on 1 the energy is palpable,
Yet you deign to deem it:
‘Unremarkable’.
 
In your space you won’t act on it,
But in my space you have.
You were so fucking loud,
You almost woke my child!
So much for the sexual arts,
Per my original request.
 
You’ve only touched me twice – not in the way that was planned.
 
Now there’s only next week left.
 
You’re still talking like we’ll have sessions every week,
Except that’s not the truth.
 
You acknowledged it yourself,
basically said you’d ‘see me round’.
Responding to my vulnerability,
Stomped my heart into the ground.
 
Every week I’ve showed up,
Bared my soul and heart to you.
Remained authentic,
Shared my truth,
my feelings,
my heart.
 
How quickly I’ve been torn apart.
 
You were at ‘half bar’ when you got up from our cuddle today.
You wouldn’t even acknowledge it - one quick adjustment that you hoped I didn’t see.
 
I don’t know where I stand.
I don’t know what to think.
I didn’t want to be ‘just your client’,
So I shared I desired friendship.
I didn’t mean ‘friend-zoned’.
 
Why do I feel like a desperate child vying for attention from her absent father?

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